Single File by Susan Deitz

DEAR SUSAN: After several years of marriage, my wife left me. I tried to save our marriage, but now I feel ready to start dating. The trouble is that for the past few years, I've had little to do with women except in business situations. So I really can't tell when someone might like to be asked out. What cues should I look for that indicate her friendliness, and how can I break the ice when we meet? — Gerald H., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR GERALD: Her smile is the real icebreaker. Not a perfunctory, polite smile, but a downright friendly grin, happy-to-meet-you toothiness. That's all the welcome you need to move to the next step — asking her to join you for a cup of coffee. Those little coffee beans have started more romances than we can count. Believe me; the heartiest relationships have begun with innocent cups of Java! Sitting down with a newfound someone and sharing this dark brew seems ideal for communication because it gives a chance to look into each other's eyes and gauge the interest level there. Because it's alcohol-free, the odds of being misled by an alcoholic haze are minimal, and the chances of a second — and third — date are magnified.

But even before you start focusing on the female eyes around you, get to know the women you work with. They're only human, you know, and have many of the same traits as men. The memories of your wife's exit are most likely painful ones, but the past can be instructive. In private, do a bit of soul-searching. What was the basic incompatibility between the two of you, and how much of it was your responsibility? Would you choose the same kind of woman today or not? How has this period of singleness changed you? Do you still feel rejected and angry? Best to answer those questions now, while you're re-entering the dating world, so you can zero in on the type of woman you like — for the right reasons.

And to think, it all starts with a cup of coffee.

DEAR READERS: Abstinence is not only a matter of morals, because it is up to each person to define his/her own morals according to his/her beliefs and personal comfort. But there's another matter: The fear of intimacy can find a cozy home in the issues of AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases. They can be used as ready excuses for not getting close to another person. The people who do use them like that, of course, will in time be winnowed out as their relationships progress. It's a point not talked about very often, one that needs to be brought out into the open. Abstinence as fear of intimacy. Comments, if you please.

DEAR SUSAN: I'm 29 and considered a very loving man. I do have special feelings for my friends and can be content with one woman. In the past six years, I've had loving relationships with four or five women, and all have been satisfying. But I still yearn to hold a special girl I was involved with before she was killed in an accident. — Cary C., Moline, Ill.

DEAR CARY: You're considered a very loving man, but you've enshrined the past. You are, if I may say so, masquerading as a loving man, but beneath the facade is sadness. These direct words are meant to shock you out of your stupor — and into the realization that life is for the living. The greatest tribute you can pay your lost beloved is not to replace her, but to find the traits she embodied and build another edifice of love together. The woman from the past would want nothing less for you. Love, abiding love, is a moving force. Like life itself, it must go forward and mutate in order to fill the needs of the changing present. Realizing that may help you leave your prison and stride into life and love. I sincerely hope so.

Write to Susan Deitz in care of this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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