Dear Margo® by Margo Howard

Dear Margo: I am the wicked stepmother. I am a lying, thieving, money-hungry tramp who finds no greater joy than that which comes from destroying another couple's loving, stable marriage. Or so the child has been convinced by her mother. She is 8 years old and loathes me. Her weekends with us are tense and awkward as I try desperately to make light conversation and am met with cold stares and one-word responses. My husband is angrily instructing me to be more "fun" for the girl. While I have never felt that an adult's responsibility is to provide entertainment for children, I need to do something to build a relationship with my stepdaughter. I am by nature a shy and quiet person. The more my husband urges me to become a comedian, the more terrified I become around his daughter because I feel pressured to perform. What can I do to be more "fun"? — Just a Normal, Nice Person

Dear Just: An 8-year-old who has been primed to think you are awful is not looking for "fun." Your husband needs to see the total picture for what it is, and for this, you and he may need a few sessions with a professional. Since you can't inform the little girl that her mother is bitter and troublemaking, your best bet is to stop trying so hard, be yourself and warm her up gradually with kindness and thoughtfulness. Kids are intuitive. With time, I think she will see you for who you are. A great mistake stepparents make is to try to move in on a child too quickly, and it is this I suspect your husband doesn't understand. — Margo, relatively

Someone Else's God

Dear Margo: I'm living at home for the summer between semesters at grad school.

My parents are Catholic and go to church every week. I have attended weekly services without complaint, but I don't want to continue. I am agnostic, and some weekends I'd rather go running or sleep in. I usually go as a gesture of respect, but I'm starting to wonder what's going to happen in five years or so when I get married or start having kids. A few months ago, I brought up the subject with my mother. I told her I wasn't quite sure I believed that Catholicism was for me, though I am not critical of it or any other religion. She got very upset and said she hoped I didn't mean that. She has said before that it would signal "her failure as a parent if her children did not believe and grow up to be practicing Catholics." I think being spiritual and having morals is important, and that's it. How can I explain that having no religion doesn't mean having no morals or finding no meaning in life? No other friends are dealing with this. Their parents go to church but don't guilt them into going if they don't want to. Should I just bite my tongue and deal with this when I get married or have kids? — Kitty

Dear Kit: You sound thoughtful, particularly where your mother is concerned. I find her devotion to her religion admirable, but needing you to believe as she does is less so. I have never understood why some people view agreement with their faith as a validation of themselves, and in your mother's case, to view herself as a "failed parent" should you not believe as she does is off base and kind of sad. I think you should begin this dialogue now because if you wait until you have children, it will have been "undiscussed" for even more years, and will have then taken on another meaning. — Margo, bravely

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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

COPYRIGHT 2009 MARGO HOWARD

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