Dear Margo® by Margo Howard

Dear Margo: My best college friend and I stayed really close after graduation. A year and a half ago, she broke up with her longtime boyfriend for a new guy, and that's when the trouble started. Even though I couldn't stand the new beau, I let it go because I didn't think it would last. Well, they just got engaged. I feel like she's a different person. They spend nearly every waking moment together (they live together, work together, go to school together, etc.), and she thinks he's wonderful. I think he's smug, combative and immature ... and since she's been with him, she's picked up those traits, too. They no longer seem like two individual people, but one giant two-headed, judgment-spewing hydra, and I can't even stand to visit her anymore. Anytime we make plans, I have to assume he will be part of them, and if he doesn't like something, then she doesn't either — even if she liked it in the past. As much as I think he's a giant ninny (and horribly unattractive to boot), I've been as supportive as possible since she decided he's the man for her.

She's asked me to be a bridesmaid (the wedding is next summer). If things keep going this way, I'm not sure we'll even be friends then. I've never had to break up with a friend before, but I don't know what else to do. If this kind of weirdness were happening in a romantic relationship, I would have ended it months ago. I don't want to lose my friend, but I'm afraid we're headed for a fight. Is it better to "break up" or "take some time off" now? I know this sounds terrible, but if we're going to end our friendship, I'd like to do it before I get too involved in the nuptials. Is there any way to salvage our relationship? — Vexed in Virginia

Dear Vex: You sound pretty solid to me, and if she stays with this chap, there probably is no way to salvage the friendship.

I think the thing to do is to respond to her invitation to be in the wedding by saying you'd like to put that decision on hold, and then tell her how you've found her to be a changed personality. This will allow you to give her your honest opinion, and that, in itself, may be the kiss of death. I suspect you have lost your good friend to the male part of the giant two headed, judgment-spewing hydra. — Margo, regretfully

Philosophy 'R' Us

Dear Margo: Having just come out to my father, who was not thrilled (I am finishing high school), the whole ordeal gave me something to think about. Maybe you don't have an answer for something like this, but what makes people homophobic? I know this probably isn't the kind of stuff you normally deal with — psychology more than problems — but I would still appreciate any kind of answer you have to offer. — Out and Curious

Dear Out: There are really a lot of answers and no answers. Sometimes homosexuals themselves display homophobia. It offers a form of deniability and likely incorporates a degree of self-hatred. Sometimes extremely religious people (often evangelical fundamentalists) feel this is what the Lord commands, though it's hard for many of us to imagine God-given instructions to hate. And, as is the case with many prejudices, some people just need to feel superior to or better than someone else, and gay people fill the bill, along with other minorities. Often, I think, there is no reason except ignorance, maybe a rotten life that demands a target and a heart the size of a navy bean. — Margo, psychologically

***

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

COPYRIGHT 2009 MARGO HOWARD

DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS.COM