Roger Simon from Creators Syndicate

Time to Stop the Health Care Tease for 09/09/2009

Wed, 09 Sep 2009 00:00:00 -0700

Each desk in the West Wing of the White House should have the same sign on it as the staff helps the president prepare for his health care speech on Wednesday: KISS.

Keep It Specific, Stupid.

This is no time for a lofty speech. We do not need inspiration. The time for inspiration has passed — the time for perspiration is at hand.

Even though the speech will be before ...

Updated: Wed Sep 09, 2009

Line in the Sand, Squiggle in the Mud for 09/11/2009

Fri, 11 Sep 2009 00:00:00 -0700

The guy knows how to give a speech. Give him that.

Barack Obama's speech to a joint session of Congress Wednesday night was both an elegant celebration of the American character and a strong denunciation of our current inability in this country to "engage in a civil conversation."

But will it really help him pass health care reform? Did it really draw any lines in the sa ...

Updated: Fri Sep 11, 2009

Joe Wilson: The Dems' Rude Herring for 09/16/2009

Wed, 16 Sep 2009 00:00:00 -0700

It is far easier for the Democrats to deal with Joe Wilson than it is to deal with health care reform, so they will deal with Joe Wilson.

Joe Wilson is the simpleton from South Carolina who shouted, "You lie!" at the president during his address to Congress last week.

Health care is an extremely complex and important problem that won't go away until Congress sits down an ...

Updated: Wed Sep 16, 2009

Rude but Not Racist for 09/18/2009

Fri, 18 Sep 2009 00:00:00 -0700

When Kanye West rushed onstage and grabbed the microphone away from Taylor Swift at the MTV Video Music Awards the other day, was he being a racist? Or was he just being rude?

Me, I thought he was just being rude. In any case, he apologized. And life moved on.

When Serena Williams yelled at a line judge at the U.S. Open Saturday night, was Williams being a racist? Or was she just ...

Updated: Fri Sep 18, 2009

From Mission Creep to Mission Gallop for 09/23/2009

Wed, 23 Sep 2009 00:00:00 -0700

I love the smell of catnip in the morning.

Catnip is what President Barack Obama says attracts media attention: behavior that is "rude" or "outrageous" or "trying to evoke strong emotion" and create "conflict."

Today's catnip, however, is only some of those things. Does it evoke strong emotion? Yes. Will it create conflict? Yes.

But i ...

Updated: Wed Sep 23, 2009

The Depth of a Salesman for 09/25/2009

Fri, 25 Sep 2009 00:00:00 -0700

It is Oct. 1, 1934. A group of rumpled reporters sit in a dimly lit bar, around a cigarette-scarred table a few blocks from the White House. They are drinking rye and wearing hats.

"Did you hear FDR last night?" one says. "How many fireside chats does that make for him so far?"

"Six!" says the second reporter. "Six fireside chats in the past 18 m ...

Updated: Fri Sep 25, 2009

Making the List for 09/30/2009

Wed, 30 Sep 2009 00:00:00 -0700

The media have an obsession with lists: The 50 Most Influential People. The 10 Most Powerful. The Five Sexiest.

Did you make any of those lists? Or the scores of other lists? Don't feel bad. You'll make some list someday. It's inevitable.

In 1968, Andy Warhol said that in the future everybody would be famous for 15 minutes. He was talking about how the media needed to create celeb ...

Updated: Wed Sep 30, 2009

Brilliance Doesn't Always Equal Virtue for 10/02/2009

Fri, 02 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0700

We are blinded by the light. We are dazzled by the brilliant. We wish to believe they are good even when we know they are not.

The relationship between talent and virtue does not seem to be a strong one. In fact, there doesn't seem to be a relationship at all.

Take three examples: Jack Henry Abbott, Roman Polanski and Michael Jackson.

Not many people remember Abbott today, ...

Updated: Fri Oct 02, 2009

Calling for Barack the Bold for 10/07/2009

Wed, 07 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0700

Obama in defeat. Head hung low. Chin on chest. Feet dragging along the ground.

He has lost the Olympics! (Which means half of Chicago is now cheering him.) He dared to leave the White House and go boldly where no president has gone before.

And he failed. Even some of his supporters say that going to Copenhagen, Denmark, to make a pitch to the International Olympic Committee was a ...

Updated: Wed Oct 07, 2009

The Hall of Jerks for 10/09/2009

Fri, 09 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0700

Jerks. You know who you are. But why do there seem to be more of them around this year? Or did we always have the Joe Wilsons, and Alan Graysons, and John Ensigns, and Kanye Wests, and just not notice them as much?

We notice them now. They intrude upon our lives and must be labeled for what they are.

So others can have their Halls of Fame — we have the Hall of Jerks.

...

Updated: Fri Oct 09, 2009

Ex-Parliamentarian's Advice: Cool it for 10/14/2009

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0700

Bob Dove worked in the U.S. Senate for 35 years, has both a Ph.D. and a law degree, and now lectures on the world's greatest deliberative body both at The George Washington University and on the occasional cruise ship.

When I asked him the main function the Senate serves, his answer was quick, firm and surprising.

"The U.S. Senate is designed to keep bad laws from passing,&qu ...

Updated: Wed Oct 14, 2009

Guy Talk for 10/28/2009

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0700

Note: The following column was first published in April 1998.

The phone rings. It is my friend, Larry.

"Catch you at a bad time?" he asks.

No, no, I pant. Why?

"You seem a little out of breath."

Oh, that, I say. No, I've just been vacuuming.

I immediately regret saying this. This is not guy talk. But I am caught off-guard. I have bee ...

Updated: Wed Oct 28, 2009

Triumph of Spirit Over Adversity in Berlin for 10/30/2009

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 00:00:00 -0700

Note: The following column was first published in May 1998/

BERLIN — The old woman stood clutching the two pink roses in her hand, along with a piece of plain white paper on which she had written four words: "Danke, USA! Thank you."

Traudel Jannietz is 75 now, her hair white, her step not as sure as it was 50 years ago when she lived in West Berlin and waited every ...

Updated: Fri Oct 30, 2009

A Blast From the Junior High Past for 11/04/2009

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 00:00:00 -0800

Note: The following column was first published in November 2000.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The e-mail began just fine.

"I saw you on CSPAN this morning, (and) I think we were in the same seventh-grade homeroom at Blackhawk Junior High," the writer wrote.

I do, of course, remember attending Blackhawk Junior High, even though it was decades ago. I even remember its f ...

Updated: Wed Nov 04, 2009

A New Generation of Bachelor Parties for 11/06/2009

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 00:00:00 -0800

Note: The following column was first published in July 1999.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — I was the last one to arrive at the bachelor party, and the conversation had already turned to breasts.

"I am such an idiot," one of the party-goers said, literally smacking himself in the forehead with the heel of his hand. "I have the breast pump in the car. And Amy is going to n ...

Updated: Fri Nov 06, 2009

Disney World's Idealized America for 11/11/2009

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 00:00:00 -0800

Note: The following column was first published in September 1985.

ORLANDO, Fla. — The first thing you feel is safe, and you notice that things are quieter than they should be. People walk more slowly than they usually do.

The urban scurry, the over-the-shoulder glancing, the keep-your-purse-under-your-arm walk of the city dweller is absent.

You are at Walt Disney Worl ...

Updated: Wed Nov 11, 2009

Clinton in the Company of Arkansas Lawyers for 11/13/2009

Fri, 13 Nov 2009 00:00:00 -0800

Note: The following column was first published in May 2000.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — When I first heard that Bill Clinton was going to lose his law license in Arkansas, I was shocked.

And that's because I didn't know they HAD lawyers in Arkansas.

I figured they just flipped coins there or maybe wrestled to resolve disputes.

But, no, it turns out Arkansas does have la ...

Updated: Fri Nov 13, 2009

Real News, Fake Background for 11/18/2009

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 00:00:00 -0800

Note: The following column was first published in September 1985.

We have lied to you.

We have deceived you.

We have made journalism a mockery and a sham.

Well, we have made journalism more of a mockery and a sham.

The machines are making us do this. They are altering reality.

Altering reality is nothing to a machine. To a machine, reality is j ...

Updated: Wed Nov 18, 2009

3 for 11/20/2009

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 00:00:00 -0800

OR YOUR USE. THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION. — CREATORS SYNDICATE

ROGER SIMON

FOR RELEASE: FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 20, 2009, AND THEREAFTER

Note: The following column was first published in May 1993.

The phone rings. It is my friend, Larry.

"Catch you at a bad time?" he asks.

No, no, I pant. Why?

"You seems a little ou ...

Updated: Fri Nov 20, 2009

Women and Guns for 11/25/2009

Wed, 25 Nov 2009 00:00:00 -0800

Note: The following column was first published in October 1993.

Be not afraid of any man,

No matter what his size;

When danger threatens, call on me

And I will equalize. — Inscription on a 19th-century Winchester rifle

Violence is a social leveler.

The lesser person cuts the greater person down to size by killing him. (It is why Cain slew ...

Updated: Wed Nov 25, 2009