Can This Marriage Be Saved? Part I by Cheryl Lavin on Creators.com

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Dear Cheryl,

I'm 40 and unhappily married. My wife has had mental health issues for 15 years. She refused to seek treatment until a month ago. This has driven a huge wedge between us. If not for the kids, I would've left long ago.

Prior to her seeking help, I reconnected with an old friend. She's also unhappily married. We talk every day and have lunch every week. This has been going on for five months.

The relationship is platonic — but, my feelings have grown. To be honest, I want more. I don't know if she does. I'm getting mixed signals. I'm not sure we would do anything, anyway. And I don't want to ruin our friendship.

I don't know what to do. My wife is making the effort to become well. I have so much anger, however, I don't know if I can put it behind me.

Do I tell my friend I have a crush, or work on my marriage? — Sleepless on the North Shore

Dear Sleepless on the North Shore,

You owe it to yourself and your family to see if your marriage can be salvaged. You and your wife should be in couple's therapy. After three months, assess the situation. Are you making progress? Is it worth continuing? Or is the marriage dead?

While this is going on, separate yourself completely from your friend. No more calls, no more lunches. Be honest. Tell her the friendship has become important to you, too important, and you need to invest your energy in your marriage.

Good luck, and please stay in touch.

CAN THIS MARRIAGE BE SAVED? PART II

Dear Cheryl,

I've been married 13 years to a man I loved and admired. We have two young boys who worship him.

I bragged to my friends about his integrity.

Three months ago, I found inappropriate text messages from a woman he works with. He admitted that during an out-of-town convention, they cuddled, but nothing more. He said if she hadn't stopped him, they would've had sex.

I was caught completely off guard. I had no idea he was so unhappy yet never said a word.

We've been in individual and marriage counseling for two months. Even though we've made great strides, I'm so angry and hurt I don't know how I'm ever going to get over it. I don't trust him. He's still working with this woman. He's looking for another job, but not much is happening.

Am I ever going to stop feeling this way? Am I ever going to feel that respect and love again? What do people do in this situation? — Slowly Going Insane

Dear Slowly Going Insane,

People get over this, and you can, too. But it's really hard, and you have to really want to, and it takes time. And during that time, you have to be really good to yourself. Eat well, exercise and do whatever makes you feel good.

Therapy is a good start. There are books by women who have survived adultery you may find comforting and Websites with good advice.

In the meantime, there are a few things I'd like you to think about:

1. People are flawed. They make mistakes, but that doesn't make them evil. I don't buy the "Once a cheater, always a cheater" argument.

2. This doesn't define you. You're not "the woman whose husband cheated." You're much more than that.

3. At the end of this, you can have a stronger marriage with a more committed partner than you had before.

Good luck, and be in touch.

Got a problem? Send it to cheryllavin@aol.com. You can visit her blog at www.talesfromthefront.com. To find out more about Cheryl Lavin, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit www.creators.com.